Friday, April 10, 2009

Easter

After a long chat with a few of my favourite people, they’ve made me realize something about myself.


It’s hard to admit, I have an ego as big as a guy and I’m always think I can almost do better than other people in terms of certain things. I seem to be confident if I am sure I could complete that certain task.

God has been trying to show me how to be humble and patience, and He even sent me a very special person in my life to remind me of a few things in life that I should always remember, is to be humble and to be in the grace of God. If it isn’t for Jesus, I could have been much worse. People always regard Christians in majority always being all holier than thou kinda attitude, but it truth, Christians need God because they are worse. i.e, me.

Take me for a perfect example, I swear, I’m egoistic, I’m impatient, I’m rude. I’m worse off than other people. I still find it hard for God to accept me and He is willing to let me be in His presence. But there He is, always with me even most of the times I had doubt and even abandon Him. I was the one that abandon Him instead of me.

Being the ‘victim’ of the upcoming Easter play in Nottingham University has lead me to think and reflect of all the things that I’ve went through in my life. For the 1st scene, for example, I have been tempted on lust, had my fair share on being a 1st degree of nearly being an alcoholic, always drinking in excuse of trying to defeat stress and depression. I’ve went through being too insecure of myself, discouraged, and always think bad about how I look. No matter anyone tells me that I am pretty or decent looking, I couldn’t accept it. Why? Some people asked me, because I ‘d always believe that beauty comes from the inside, and that’s why I’m not pretty, cause, I’m not pretty from the inside. It’s not that I’m being too ‘chinese’ by not accepting compliments, this is the real reason that I couldn’t accept this compliment. Committing suicide? Lol..yes. It crossed my mind so often until I’m wondering why I am still alive.

No matter what I’ve went through, whether it’s by my own doing or cause by other people, God was and is always with me. Why do I know that? Cause I’m still alive. It sounds cheesy but I can swear my life by it. He sends angels to talk to me, He shows me until I see it. My angels are so damn special in my life..earthly angels and heavenly angels the same too. Earthly angels would be my family members, my friends and loved ones. They gave me the reasons to live, to love and to cherish. They are you. ( yesh, you..reading this) =)

Blessed are those whom are poor in spirit.

Despite all those false accusations that are made by people, I pray that God would be my strength to go thru this time in my life. You have been there throughout my life for 20 years (even more), I will continue to learn to trust You, O Lord. I still believe that the truth will eventually reveal itself when the time is right. You are my strength when I am weak. Even though I look tough and hardy, but I’m still a fragile girl despite on how I look. Only You could see through me and fully understand on what I am going through in this period of time. I love You, Jesus. I cant comprehend with my puny pathetic human mind on why do You choose to die for me for my sins. All I can do is come to You in awe reverence, no one could make me feel like You do. Therefore, Lord Jesus, I give You thanks for the times when You patiently wait for me with Your arms wide open, even with the shits that I’ve made and forgive me Lord for being so ignorant and stubborn to even acknowledge you. I’ve clearly been a fool but You choose to be with me. You are freakingly awesome.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

my daily routine as Mabel Kuan.

Wednesday,(9th April 2009)
woke up at 11am. supposingly have class at 9am-11am, then another one at 12pm-2pm, then weekly test at 4pm-5pm.

at 5.30pm, have basketball competition 3 on 3 women's team.

what a terrible game, kind off for me..i didnt manage to shoot a single score.except the last minute..with is tied up between double-trouble team ( a group of african gurls consist of a size triple my size,wide..and a tall netball player..one head taller than me, and the last one a tiny one, smaller size than me) we tied them for 3rd place, so it was weird that the organisers wont want to give us overtime, instead they want all of the teamates to shoot to determine the 3rd place.in the end we tied again so its time to move to the sudden death situation whereby each team has to choose a shooter to shoot until they score. guess what? i was chosen and the 1st try, we tied AGAIN..then the second one, with all eyes looking at me, i never felt that kinda pressure before..and i missed.

kinda sad,, i was crying later..lol...then i realise that i was crying i cried even harder..lol..i felt so ridiculus but i cant stop..was quite emo la..but it was nothing la. Wei Ern was there with me, he msged me earlier saying he has to conduct tuition in his house, but surprisingly he turned up to see me play, that was really sweet of him..he actually cancelled his tuition so he could watch me play. =p thanks alot..i really appreciate that..=) BUT YOU WERE playing squash..hm...=/ i kinda guessed it when u dissapeared about 15 minutes..LOL

at 9pm, have CF committee meeting.

they were choosing new committee members for CF team for next year, and i cried, i duno why i cried, part of me was like...uhh...seniours are leaving..lol..part of me is like...there's this kinda feeling where u dont want to do it, but God is telling you to do it..? hahahaha...i felt like jonah..swallowed by a big giant fish..

at 12.30am, shower..yea..i stink all the way until midnite.

at 1am, went with jo-anne, shi wei n wen shan to McD kajang. (bluff ppl, saying open 24 hrs, joker..we all went there for the sake of sundae cone...im serious..from Nottingham to Kajang for Sundae Ice Cream. Boo...~!

then end back in Semenyih Ibrahim Maju. ate then..

at 3am, camp in TIscra(computer lab), tryin to do my assignments, wait for..

5am..so i can go climb broga Hill. yes..at 5am after everything.

Let me tell you what i did the day before..(meaning..on tuesday)

Note: before that,Monday,(6th April 2009) i slept at 5am, talking to my housemate regarding about sumthin while studying)

TUesday,(7th April 2009)
i have class at 1pm-2pm..so i could lie in abit longer.
went to class..then did my part of assignment..500 words in 45minutes.
then went out to eat early dinner at 6pm then came back for Talent Quest in Nottingham..enjoyed, then sat in the rain n walk in the rain back to my car, found out about sumting, then went super emo.. then just took my car and drove off at 11pm-ish back to Cheras..just to find a reason to drive.

Wei Ern followed me. He accompanied me even though he do not know wad was happening to me. he just followed me. i felt irritated abit because he is there, but thankful that he was with me during that time. he got scolded by mum later on the phone when he told his mum that he was not coming back home that nite and i felt super bad. im sorry..T_T

i was at BRJ then thinking about hock ann, so i called him and he agreed to come out and meet me even without thinking. i was surprised. what surprised me even more was later after a few minutes he arrived, Ronald came too, then Lokman whom ive never seen him for at least 8 years. lol..i was so surprised i nearly cried. so we talked about things..lol..wei ern felt so out of place. (did you?)

then later they told me about their latest 'hobby'..which is catching prawns..yes..ur not reading it wrong..seriously, catching prawns. its located near the mamak, and they show me how they catch them...lol...fishing is fishing fish, so catching prawns is..prawing? LOL okok..its really fishing for prawns in a water container made of simen and tiles. then grab a fishing rod with a bait made out of chicken gizzard. its quite an expensive game...lol...rm 10 per hr? or is it 15? but its quite addictive you see..lol...but with rm 10-15 ringgit, i cant go CC and DOTA till my eyes bulge out..lol..

anyway, they did catch sum and you keep the catch..and Ron caught two before i left. i got to play with it..=) Ron apparently forgotten how i like creepy crawlies.=)

then i too GG to drive back, Wei Ern drove my car back to nottingham, reach nottingham at around 4am.


*there, this is my life..LOL..and now its 4.10am..in about 50 mins i'll be off to climb broga hill with my business group of frens. =)

seriously, i duno how long will i collapse. i pray that i wont.

love,
pei wern.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Kopi tarik

It's 3.10am in the morning and im not doin anything..with shi wei n wai ken n jin yu.after a glass of hot kopi tarik i still can fall asleep..just print out sumthin for my assignment.

Yest was my Uni's annual dinner and it was ok. paying rm 125 for the purpose of to See and Be Seen. LOL...it was good in the sense of getting to know some of my coursemates in the afterparty..lol...talk to ppl that i havent met before or talk at all...(my uni quite big la..) my coursemates num is around 100+..ok..its not being be anti-social..it was indeed fun except for sum mishaps.

overall, i kinda enjoyed the day..parts of it of course, met alot of nice ppl. =)

then sunday...


i met up with my good fren, Joseph New.

i miss him so much and im so happy to meet back him. im relieved that he's doin ok in his life so far, its a hard journey but keep it up! *hugs*

i need to improve too. my IQ is dropping..lol..and my communication skills is getting worse..sigh..

im trying...
but there's alot of hindrances..alot. in sense of my emotions and physical capabilities, and i pray that it would not affect me that much.

My priority is to get my grades up again and able to enter MAPCU or the TRINotts games for Basketball. so other problems..please fuck off?