Easter

After a long chat with a few of my favourite people, they’ve made me realize something about myself.


It’s hard to admit, I have an ego as big as a guy and I’m always think I can almost do better than other people in terms of certain things. I seem to be confident if I am sure I could complete that certain task.

God has been trying to show me how to be humble and patience, and He even sent me a very special person in my life to remind me of a few things in life that I should always remember, is to be humble and to be in the grace of God. If it isn’t for Jesus, I could have been much worse. People always regard Christians in majority always being all holier than thou kinda attitude, but it truth, Christians need God because they are worse. i.e, me.

Take me for a perfect example, I swear, I’m egoistic, I’m impatient, I’m rude. I’m worse off than other people. I still find it hard for God to accept me and He is willing to let me be in His presence. But there He is, always with me even most of the times I had doubt and even abandon Him. I was the one that abandon Him instead of me.

Being the ‘victim’ of the upcoming Easter play in Nottingham University has lead me to think and reflect of all the things that I’ve went through in my life. For the 1st scene, for example, I have been tempted on lust, had my fair share on being a 1st degree of nearly being an alcoholic, always drinking in excuse of trying to defeat stress and depression. I’ve went through being too insecure of myself, discouraged, and always think bad about how I look. No matter anyone tells me that I am pretty or decent looking, I couldn’t accept it. Why? Some people asked me, because I ‘d always believe that beauty comes from the inside, and that’s why I’m not pretty, cause, I’m not pretty from the inside. It’s not that I’m being too ‘chinese’ by not accepting compliments, this is the real reason that I couldn’t accept this compliment. Committing suicide? Lol..yes. It crossed my mind so often until I’m wondering why I am still alive.

No matter what I’ve went through, whether it’s by my own doing or cause by other people, God was and is always with me. Why do I know that? Cause I’m still alive. It sounds cheesy but I can swear my life by it. He sends angels to talk to me, He shows me until I see it. My angels are so damn special in my life..earthly angels and heavenly angels the same too. Earthly angels would be my family members, my friends and loved ones. They gave me the reasons to live, to love and to cherish. They are you. ( yesh, you..reading this) =)

Blessed are those whom are poor in spirit.

Despite all those false accusations that are made by people, I pray that God would be my strength to go thru this time in my life. You have been there throughout my life for 20 years (even more), I will continue to learn to trust You, O Lord. I still believe that the truth will eventually reveal itself when the time is right. You are my strength when I am weak. Even though I look tough and hardy, but I’m still a fragile girl despite on how I look. Only You could see through me and fully understand on what I am going through in this period of time. I love You, Jesus. I cant comprehend with my puny pathetic human mind on why do You choose to die for me for my sins. All I can do is come to You in awe reverence, no one could make me feel like You do. Therefore, Lord Jesus, I give You thanks for the times when You patiently wait for me with Your arms wide open, even with the shits that I’ve made and forgive me Lord for being so ignorant and stubborn to even acknowledge you. I’ve clearly been a fool but You choose to be with me. You are freakingly awesome.