Tuesday, January 29, 2008

reflections of my heart

Blind

I was young but I wasn't naive
I watched helpless
As you turned around to leave
And still I have the pain I have to carry past so deep That even you could not bury if you tried
After all this time
never thought we'd be here
never thought we'd be here

when my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it
That I loved you more
Than you'll ever know
And part of me died
When I let you go

I would fall asleep
Only in hopes of dreaming
That everything would be like is was before
But nights like this it seems are slowly fleeting
They disappear as reality is crashing to the floor

After all this time
never thought we'd be here
never thought we'd be here
when my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it
That I loved you more
Than you'll ever know
And part of me died
When I let you go

*someone please wake me up?

making myself tired by goin back and forth to Nottingham for basketball practice..coz i dont want to think bout anything anymore..but the more i avoid..the more it comes back..maybe its nearing Valentine's day?ah.. heck with it.

take me away.

This time all I want is you
There is no one else
Who can take your place
This time you burn me with your eyes
You see past all the lies
You take it all away
I've seen it all
And it's never enough
It keeps leaving me needing you

Take me away
Take me away
I've got nothing left to say
Just take me away

I try to make my way to you
But still I feel so lost
I don't know what else I can do
I've seen it all
And it's never enough
It keeps leaving me needing you

Take me away
Take me away
I've got nothing left to say

Just take me away

Don't give up on me yet
Don't forget who I am
I know I'm not there yet
But don't let
Me stay here alone

This time all I want is you
There is no one else
Who can take your place
I've seen enough and it's never enough
It keeps leaving me needing you

Take me away
Take me away
I've got nothing left to say
Just take me away

Take me away
Take me away
I've got nothing left to say
Just take me away...

take me away Lord..to You.

*songs..by lifehouse.

Monday, January 28, 2008

Naked

different age gaps..different race..different religion..different status/backgrounds..catalyst for "the top 4 reasons that made ppl break up that relationship."

sounds familliar?

human love cant really accept all this mention anyway..

cause..we're not perfect and we're not capable of loving to its optimum entirely..

boyfriends,husbands, although we love you..but there's always sumthin that we dont like about in a person..im sure the guys would feel the same thing too. cause we're all humans?

how can a person stay with that special person for the rest of their lives? my older friends are now talking bout marriage..at what age they think would be the best to get married.when i heard all that...truth to be revealed..im scared.

its like...wow...this age people really thinking bout it? its too scary to even think bout it..what...in a few years, i would get a wedding invitation..that is when i would just freak out. in about 8 years from now..i think i would receive that from my very good fren...lol...(haha..if ur reading this...just laugh it off =) haha) thats what she said..but her guy wants it earlier..so..lol...we'll see.. =) may God bless and SUSTAIN this union between u and him..<3

well,for me. staying single now is super alrite with me..although its yes..i admit..quite alone sumtimes..but its not a reason to get involve with someone right now..i may unconciously get to close with a guy when im single..and if he's single.( i wont ever get with a TAKEN guy, not ever i pray to God i wont)so..i apologise if im sending any signals to anyone that i dont mean. just dont get with me?..u'll end up hurting urself..cause im not sure if..i am capable of loving someone. "love something, and you'll end up getting hurt"

yea..it may seem that im selfish..to not let myself get hurt from anyone. but why there are tears in my eyes right now from the moment i start to type this? im scared, scared of getting into a mess again. my heart was shattered before, can it be healed again? why would guys want a shattered heart instead of a new one?

im scared that i cant love the person enough for him to feel it.
im scared that im not capable to accept the love that he has for me.
im scared that i will fail to assure him that i love him.

there, those things that i cant bear to tell anyone, including him.things ive been hiding all these from people..afraid whether ppl will view me as a paranoid idiot. why do i write this then? i just need help..to overcome all this..oh Lord..Jehovah raffah..my healer.

frens say i think too much..one says i think too far..hahaha...help?

im not writing this for anyone's symphathy..to some people, this particular post maybe oh too dramatic for u guys..im sorry but this is how i feel.

Monday, January 21, 2008

the "V" question.

i've just finished watchin this korean drama series ( one pf the episode) coz im free and have nothin much to do..and damn.lol

i've forgotten the title but it start at 11.15pm and ends at 12.15am. at the korean channel on Astro.(man...im hook to their shows and all)lol

its a story bout this gurl last time during college she stayed with a guy. im not clear whether they're engage in a r/ship or not (hey,ive only watch one episode of it laaaa) but then later when she worked she met this guy then got married. she got pregnant with the husband then it was all happy family...NOT. apparently the Parents of the Guy that she got married too knew her past bout staying with a guy for two years without marrying. the MOm in law of the gurl..(head of the family) was FURIOUS. to the point of not having the pregnant gurl get kicked out from the house, the gurl's dad have to beg for forgiveness..on behalf of the daughter.

so..this and that..the family was in turmoil and all. should see how she treated her including the dad in law. once the mother in law came back early from work..( the gurl wasnt allow to eat with them) so the dad in law have to put rice including the other veggies and all into a mixing bowl. and ask her to stay upstairs and eat. they treat her like a dog. thats very inhuman,...i know the guys reading this would say its just a drama..but i cant help feeling very bad for this gurl. come on..she's pregnant..give her a break.

the point is not really bout the drama..its bout how asians really value virginity..especially in gurls..hm, regardless of religion now. its so scary that its just past..every already happened. if she really had sexual relationship with the roomate during her college years..its already past. the husband also accepted the fact that she is indeed was not a virgin anymore (lets say if she did) i duno...i suddenly have the urge to talk bout this..based biblical views..yes. she slept with sumone b4. and if she repent and all..God recovers her, healed her past wounds and all. she's a new creation..!

hm..lets say this thing happens in real life..hey..its not a taboo already. i knew a couple of ppl..experience it.its their freedom of choice. anyway..if anything goes wrong i hope both parties would be responsible for it. especially when it involves a third party..like a baby>? listen guys..if u really want to do it with anybody, condom please. and tips..dont try to use two condoms together..LOL. u think its more safe? think again. two rubber material rubbing together..cause friction..tear much faster. *gulp disaster.LOL/ remember that.

anyway,yes..its modern now..ppl care less bout all these stuffs but. i dun wanna sound hy[pocrite and all that. i make a pledge on sex before marriage.but i wont condemn anyone who did it b4 or wadever..just be responsible. (and tell me bout it)lol..learning 1st hand. sounds icky, but yea.

*haha...if i've offended anyone outhere readin this...im sorry..
*ji eun..is all this mention just now bout the korean culture just only happens in the dramas or also in real life..?nid to shed sum light to it..LOL/ Xp

Sunday, January 20, 2008

lil kids plus one

haha...went to church as usual this sunday.

skip sermon and was looking after the sunday skool kids..this time..plenty of my gang escape lol..then i shal tell u an incident on 'the effects of letting ur kids expose to Mun Yee.'

haha...they will have uncontrolable laughters.

everytime she speaks/ no matter on wad topic..the kids (age 11 and below) would seriously laugh at everything she says..including us also la..lol

and there's this kid,3 years old Joseph..lol..the result of having three older brothers really scary..LOL..he can sing "sexyback,yeaH" and "apologize song" haha..he's so fascinated with mun yee coz she always talk with british accent and sumtimes german just for the fun of it.

she taught him the word ''bullocks'' hahaha...seriously, and the kid was like shouting on top of his lungs.."BULLOCKS" everywhere he went..lol..when he spilled water, we ask him wad should he say..(should say sorry rite?) no wad he ans all of us? he sang..."its too late to apologize..too laaateeee" then was laughing and mun yee teached him to say, " opps i did it again!" and he did..and everybody just laugh at that.

she muttered the word "fuck" then the kids heard it..then they were laughing and telling me that they heard her say..and she was like.."nOoo..i've said FARRRRRrrrr" and they all laugh again..kids are so easily entertained..lol

another thing was when she was explaining bout NAzis to a fren of min..(20 yrs old) lil joseph ran up to her and sitting on a chair next to her, he look at her with facination as her expression is so funny..all the time..LOL ( dun HIT me when u read this!lol) the lil kid wit so much of innocence actually poke her face with his finger. and my fren did not stop or anything just turned and said to him, "yes dear, i am talking" without removing the kids finger and cont talking..the scene sound weird but if u were there u would laugh coz of the kids innocence and the 26 year old gurl.

she teach the poor kid another word..sum word in german that means "im your leader" and ask him to call her that..lol..and he did..lol..she was silently laughing and muttered "i've spawn brats"..lol...another typical sunday.

its good to expose kids in a way..lol..but this way is way funny..i cant describe it..u have to be there to witness their facial expressions and all..damn funny.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Concern

hm..looks like alot of people is feelin unwell these couple of days.

i just spoke to a fren online..as i dint c her for quite sum time in uni..apparently she was sick. gastric n heartburn cause by bacteria and she had a scope today. its scary to see a camera stuck dwn to ur throat till it reach ur stomach to see whats wrong wit it.

reminds me, when i was young i used to have eating disorder. frens that knew me long enuf would have seen me sufferin from it since primary skool. i was a scrawny kid but ppl used to admire how skinny i am when i moved on to highskool when it was a trend to have skinny bodies.

actual fact..its so painful that i cant even eat anything. most of the time i live on bread n cereals..or granola bars..i cant eat alot..oni minimal ammount of food at a time to prevent me from having heartburn and all. it got better when i grew up.so her condition really reminded me of my own..

my grandmother is sick too. she's suffering from sumthin that has to do with her bones. i remember when i was young she fell from a mango tree in her house..so i think everythings coming back since she's old. im having exam so cant go back to pahang and visit her. the last time i saw her she was in GOmbak in my aunt's hse. im so afraid. that time when i saw her..guess wad she asked me..lol..ask me to find a good husband and get married (at 19?!) anyway..when she was 19 she already gave birth to two kids..my older aunts..that thought freaked me out..seriously..lol.the wasy she told me was funny..she ask me n my sis too..then she hum out a tune..* i tot wad was that and ask my mum..my mum laugh and say she(my grandma) wants to see u wearing that wedding gown..and all. i was totally shocked by it. it seems to her that 19 is the age to get married. *shudders..cant blame her..i know.

i receive a shocking news from my uni frens too, that one of our frens had contracted a dangerous disease..out of privacy, just cant tell u all what's that..but he's doin treatment..sigh..he's just 18..Lord.why?

i went on9 to blog abit then what attracted me was one of my fren's nickname n personal msg wrote.."wanna try dyin once?" another one was.."sumbody please come and kill me" well..it may seem harmless but my reaction at the time was..why?

does anyone feel that life seems to lost its value by these ppl thinkin that life is worthless? dont get me wrong..i did think of it once a few times but i was always pulled back by the thoughts of...

do u think u own ur own life? no. GOd created u from earth. u do not belong to urslf. u belong to GOD. the only one hu can take away ur life from this earth is GOd.

YOU have a purpose in this life. our life is like a drip in a vast lake..even a tiny drop could make a ripple.

YOUR life affect someone even without ur knowing.
YOUR life could save another life.
YOUR life could bring another life in this world.
YOUR life is worth to LIVE.

live it with LOVE, and live it RIGHT. coz u'll nvr know when ur work is done here on earth.

god bless, people..

will keep you all in prayers,

love,
wern.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

weird

few days ago..after a period of studying, Me,alice n kevin went to Metropoint for dinner. after reaching there..since's Alice is the youngest..(shut up kevin..i know im the oldest..LOL)she craved for Sushi..so we went to eat at Sushi King.

haha..the food is not exactly wad i wanna talk bout..but its the conversations that we had.

sumtimes three ppl can be a very nice number of ppl to chat with..it not to uneasy like two ppl chatting and we have just the right ammount of time to focus on each other.

not entirely related to that nite outing, it just triggered to think me that..

i dont know why, but i always kinda feel uncomfortable talkin to the person one on one. if i dont have any feelings towards that particular person, i would be very comfortable..i like to chat bout random stuffs. but if i have sumthin to do with the other person..i dont seem to opened up with that person. afraid to get hurt but the remarks..carefully guard my heart and what i want to say. is it normal? i dont know. i may have lots of things in my mind to talk bout to these people but sumtimes i dont know how to start. its ambarrassing for me actually. ppl seem to view me as a outspoken gurl but when it comes to personal relationship with someone, i cant seem to function well in that particular area. i cant really express myslf without thinkin that the other person could hurt me in terms of words and all.

and those particular person or ppl would viewed me as not like them enuf or sumthin very random..like asking me whether if i ever like them or not or im just toying with their feelings. i m not but i cant bring myslf to tell them the truth bout me afraid of being one on one to a person. they would just..wad? laugh or mortified that i ever thought of that..

hm..just clearing sumthin out of my mind. cont to study ler..

im off.

Friday, January 4, 2008

intoxicated

haha...ok..im back.

just came back not long ago from my bday dinner. thanks for all the people that came..=) and too all those that sms me or email me or call me..! i fully appreciate it! ALL of u have made my 19th bday an awesome day..*smile

my day begins after 12am..which i was still on9ling then...LOL..thanks Caxton, for being the 1st one to call me, then Wayne..(im so bummed that u cant make it...T_T) haha..then came the flowing of smses..

i forgotten to switch my hp mode to silent..so halfway through the nite..i got sms ringing thru..and i could not sleep. i had breathin difficulty that nite..my asthma is coming back..coz i din exercise these two weeks..(now i noe why this excess FATS is hanging around my waist)and i sleep in air con room for too long..so that's why alex, even ur msg cant wake me up..coz im already wide awake earlier because of my condition..lol xp

then the sms and alarm rang..and i woke up..lie in abit..then went shower brush teeth..put on dress and wait for Eu Jin to pick me up. he arrive in time..when to bkt bintang. walk in pavilion..went for lunch in TGIf..got a monstrous lunch there, haha...Eu Jin stuffed his face with burger and i got myslf a pasta. remind myslf to drink drinks that can be refilled free next time..LOL. wait for Merie, came ordered ChoCOlate MOcha MUD PIE...wow...amazingly crazy..LOL..nice one.deliciously crazy but very 'jelak'then Eu Jin went off to pick up Mui Mui..(man..u owe me one eujin) then merie n i went to Borders..! i saw my fav HOwl's moving CAstle draft book! fabulous..its a browsing copy..and it cost around rm 120..hmm...im saving for it..very nice for my collection..so far i have Final Fantasty X..and 3x3 EYES..hmm.then it rain and all..when to LOT 10 meet Yi peng n Jez.

we wanted to go the place by taxi..but the bloody taxis charged us RM5 PER person..yes...i did not make a typing error, RM 5 PER PERSON(we have 4 ppl) imagine...CHANGKAT bkt BINTang..10 mins drive ONLY..RM20..no way..so..4 of us..BRAVE lil Gurls..with high heels..walk from LOT 10 to BAAN26 with HEELS and NO umbrellas..I repeat..HIGh HEELS..lol..that brave huh.*sweat..only gurls noe bout this how painful it is..LOL but inthe end..we did arrive..MUn yEE was the 1st one to arrive..LOL yes..despite the JAM.we had the whole floor to urselves tonite...

everbody came..Cax taking pics..we gather ..eat..then only the guys came..hmm..coz of alex..anyway..we had a great time with ice cream cake..LOL and beer..lol.and it went great..love the people that im with..love the admosphere..love the food..everything..despite Mic keep hogging the limelight,..LOL. then we depart. Mun YEe, my sis, brandon, murphyand jez went to Tiffin Bay, Starhill..the cocktails not as good as Luna Bar..but the jazz songs is not bad...love the setting..it reminds me of MAd Hatter's Tea party with the teapot lamps..=)Jez later went with Tim to watch late nite movie..Aww. we cont staying there to wait for mun yee to fetch pui yee's fren home in Ampang..she must had drove really FAST..lol..i had Beer in the rest before then i ordered Singapore SLing..ok..thats the last time im ordering that..its not that nice for my taste la. then my sis opt for a safer choice..'Sex on the Beach'..why is it called like that because originally the drink is blue..and it taste really good..so..it was named after the feeling like u've just had sex on the beach..*yea i noe..sweat.. then some may be 'Sex on the forest'..which is ..yea..the drink is green in colour.lol..then when im stable enuf..im gonna try Tequila Shots..lol..and im gonna do all kinda shots they have..LOL..get ready.

the place is really nice n i really like it..i love to just sit there alone a drink. seriously..it sounds dangerous..but..eya. i wont do it..unless there's ppl driving me home..(known ppl )1st bar..LUna Bar..2nd..is TIFFIN baY..hmm...i dont like to go clubbin that much..but i love srinkin in bars..i dont mind with abit of house music.hm..looks like a typical day..but i love it..wont forget it..LOL..

yea..i've opened all my presents...!just abit shout out to them..lol

MERISSA, thanks for the DALmation Notebook..LOL..make me feel like CRUELA DE VIL..lol
MICHAEL, thanks for the FAncy socks..LOL..reminds me not to have COld feet during SHOOTins..lol thanks
ASHlEY n ELIZABETH, thanks for the MnMs and chockies..JUst in time for EXams..and i nid those CHOCOLAtes..LOL
BRANDON, thanks for the esprit towels..! i can use n think bout u..LOL
SONIA & SIEW LING, thanks for the great eyeshadows..! thats what i nid for my nite out!
JEZAMINE, thanks for the book..i will read it and learn to CAPTIVATE myslf..LOL
JOANNE, the key to ur heart or mine? lol..thanks..=)

others..thanks for really making it to my bday dinner =)


to all of YOU..my frens..u've just made my 19th bday a memorable one. thanks!

love u and take care..!

im off..gnite.